Regret and Hate Spells

I hate how when something happens, you start to regret a lot of things.

My grandmother died May 6th and I've been thinking about how when she fell in January and when she was in the hospital a couple months after that, I spent so much time with her. I sat by her side and I read her the bible.

Then I get to thinking about how I should have spent more time with her. I regret never spending the night at her house like the rest of my cousins did. I regret a lot of things regarding not being with her. I regret not being there when she died.

Then regretting one things leads to regretting other things not even related to her. Like regretting how I'm too afraid of everything. How I have no backbone and can't stand what I believe in without the fear of someone criticizing me or family disowning me.

I regret not being with someone I loved because I was too afraid of telling my family about us, I regret avoiding romance and love because of this, I regret not making new friends and making enemies everywhere I go.

Then I think about how I have these feelings that I'll always be alone and no one will love me.

This leads to anger and hate and letting emotions bottle up inside of me until I break down and blame everyone I know for everything that goes wrong. I end up hating the people who kept us apart and then after I've cooled down, I realize it's all my fault for not having any courage to stand up for myself.

Then that leads to depression for a few days then back to my normal, almost surreal boring life until another big event happens and then it's back to this nonsense.

Life just really sucks now.